The Mr. Brown Network

Since I’ve been effectively unemployed for quite some time, I’ve become accustomed to watching the greatness that is “daytime television”. If you’re a working individual, you probably know nothing about daytime television, simply because you’re slaving away at a desk from 8 to 5 everyday during the week, so let me explain it to you.

Years ago, the three broadcast networks used to air programming during the day that catered to housewives, because you know, before “liberation,” women were apparently things that made babies and dinner. So, NBC, CBS, and ABC aired programming such as scripted dramas sponsored by soap manufacturers,  game shows, and to a lesser extent, talk shows. Then the women became “liberated” (personally, I think they got a raw deal) and started going to work, which marked the end of a lot of daytime television. Fox, which came along later, didn’t offer any daytime programming to its affiliates for the very reason that they knew nobody was watching anymore, among other reasons (such as skirting around the FCC definition of “broadcast network”).

NBC has nothing except for a 870th hour of “Today” and one minor soap opera. ABC has a few soap operas left (General Hospital is probably the only one I can think of off the top of my head) and of course, it’s award winning “The View”. And then, there’s CBS…

I’m a CBS fan, simply because I’m a game show fan — they’re the only folks actively investing in game shows. Of course, there’s the grand-daddy of them all: “The Price is Right”. They also recently picked up the Wayne Brady-hosted “Let’s Make a Deal”. And finally, the most popular soap opera of them all, “The Young and the Restless”. Even non-soap fans like myself know who Victor Newman is and what kind of sleaze bag he really is.

Of course, there’s also the syndicated programming. Most syndicated daytime programming nowadays consists of trashy talk shows, like the infamous “Jerry Springer Show” and (in some respects) the even more infamous “Maury”. If you’re not lucky and have to work everyday of your life, you likely haven’t experienced the wonder of a “Maury Baby Daddy Tuesday,” in which there’s a great deal of screaming, some paternity testing, and lots of booing. It’s truly an epic experience.

And after all is said and done, you get the 4 o’clock news in most markets, which effectively marks the end of a day’s worth of daytime television. I encourage everybody who has a day off to check out the Drew Carey-hosted “Price is Right,” Maury Povich’s self-titled show, and of course “Young & The Restless,” because everybody needs to follow Victor Newman’s antics.

I was asked a while back why I stopped my reviews of episodes America’s favorite reality show, “Cheaters,” and there’s a simple answer for that: I can’t.

Since I moved to the Ozarks, I’ve searched for a television station that runs first-run episodes of the show. Unfortuantely, there is only one — KWBM. KWBM is a DayStar-owned affiliate, which apparently does not have a contract with the satellite providers, DirecTV & Dish Network.

It is apparently available on the local cable provider, MediaCom, but from what I’ve heard from my real estate agent, my coworkers, my wife’s co-workers, my friends, and the Internet, MediaCom is the worst cable provider in America, hands down… which is why everybody here in Springfield, and the surrounding Ozarks communities, has a satellite provider or U-Verse.

Some of you are probably saying, “Tony, you’re a technically savvy guy – why not just put up an antenna and watch it over the air”? Well, I would do that… ‘cept KWBM barely puts out a signal, and on top of that, they broadcast out of Harrison, Arkansas, a city approximately 80 miles away.

So yeah – no more Cheaters reviews until Joey Greco can hook me up with a new affiliate.

Tommy Habeeb... err.. Grand.

Long ago, long before Joey Greco was stabbed, there was a different host to America’s Favorite Reality Show, Cheaters… his name was Tommy Habeeb, better known to Cheaters fans as “Tommy Grand”. In many ways, we should actually thank Tommy for his contribution to television, for he was also the producer of the pilot that got this wonderful show on the air… but god… he’s an awful host.

Sure, the show pretty much hosts itself – all you really need is a voiceover guy (and they do have an excellent one in Bob Magruder) and a detective to bring the client to the confrontation – you really don’t need the host – but the host compliments the show, and is supposed to help provide for some of the show’s most interesting moments, like getting arrested, getting stabbed, or the occasional “talk to me, Gomez.” Joey Greco does this well… Tommy Habeeb, not so much. Even Jack E. Jett did better than Habeeb when he was called in to pinch hit for Joey after the stabbing incident.

Habeeb hosted the show for its first hundred episodes. Shortly after, he was terminated; a lawsuit followed alleging racial discrimination (even though he doesn’t look like any ethnic or racial minority, and he pronounces “Habeeb” like a redneck would – HEY-beeb), and now he’s relegated to re-runs, pay-per-view specials, and uncensored DVDs.

Joey Greco - God.

Joey Greco is just far more superior than Tommy Habeeb. For example, if confronting a cheater and his now obviously pregnant mistress, Greco would say something like:

Would you like to explain this love child to your fiancée?

Tommy Habeeb, on the other hand, would say something like this:

Are you pregnant? Is this baby his? <awkward silence>

It does not end there. While Joey will gladly step in and help the injured party during the confrontation, if they’re attacked, for example, Tommy will just stand by and let his overly large security guard with the cowboy hat take care of it. Joey sticks up for his clients, Tommy doesn’t.

Luckily for us, the viewer, Tommy has moved on from Cheaters; now, he promotes cheating through his show “STAG: A Test of Love“, which in my humble opinion, is an awful piece of garbage. It is nowhere near the high quality that Cheaters PIs provide us with every night on Cheaters.

…brought to you by Cheaters P.I.’s on Cheaters!

It’s a sentence familiar to all of us late night television viewers… one that starts off every great, spine tingling episode of Cheaters.

If you’re unfamiliar with the show or its premise, it’s simple – spouses/significant others contact the “Cheaters Detective Agency”, they follow the other partner around with cameras, catch ‘em “in the act”, and then there’s always a nasty confrontation at the end. It’s really a great show, and deserves a better timeslot than midnight (or 3am in my soon-to-be-residence of Springfield, Missouri). There’s nothing quite like it anywhere else.

Anyways, I was watching the “Steve French” case last night; appropriately, he shares his name with a porno producer who puts out “Cheating Wives” smut (hey, just Google it!). Mr. French, being the douche bag that he is, decided to cheat on his long time girlfriend with one of her friends who moved into her apartment during a nasty divorce!

Now, Mr. French, as portrayed by the show, is no doubt a violent man. During the surveillance period, he got into no less than three fights with other people, and got kicked out of no less than two bars. The confrontation was no exception to his violent behavior.

Instead of, you know, stabbing Joey Greco, which is entirely appropriate and acceptable, he proceeds to kick out the window of the mistress!

But, oh no, he’s not finished yet! He then attempts to pull the mistress out of the vehicle! Like she would want to go anywhere with him after this confrontation.

Finally, after his girlfriend tells him to “face her like a man,” Mr. French loses it and cold cocks the girlfriend!

Joey Greco, being the most excellent specimen of man that God has to offer, tackles Mr. French to the ground and puts him in a choke hold. A blurred-out rent-a-cop comes and slaps some cuffs on him.

Mr. French then does the unthinkable – he runs off, with the cuffs on, and gets away from Joey and the gang!

Mr. French, if you’re out there, I believe most of America thinks that you’re a douche bag, including myself.

At 12:00ET & 6:30ET, MTV will be airing an update special, “True Life Resolutions: Made and Kept” featuring updates on all of your “beloved” characters from both series (hey, I’m just copying directly from the DVR’s description), including myself.

My segment producer thinks it came out pretty good. I’d suggest you watch.