The Mr. Brown Network

I was asked a while back why I stopped my reviews of episodes America’s favorite reality show, “Cheaters,” and there’s a simple answer for that: I can’t.

Since I moved to the Ozarks, I’ve searched for a television station that runs first-run episodes of the show. Unfortuantely, there is only one — KWBM. KWBM is a DayStar-owned affiliate, which apparently does not have a contract with the satellite providers, DirecTV & Dish Network.

It is apparently available on the local cable provider, MediaCom, but from what I’ve heard from my real estate agent, my coworkers, my wife’s co-workers, my friends, and the Internet, MediaCom is the worst cable provider in America, hands down… which is why everybody here in Springfield, and the surrounding Ozarks communities, has a satellite provider or U-Verse.

Some of you are probably saying, “Tony, you’re a technically savvy guy – why not just put up an antenna and watch it over the air”? Well, I would do that… ‘cept KWBM barely puts out a signal, and on top of that, they broadcast out of Harrison, Arkansas, a city approximately 80 miles away.

So yeah – no more Cheaters reviews until Joey Greco can hook me up with a new affiliate.

Tommy Habeeb... err.. Grand.

Long ago, long before Joey Greco was stabbed, there was a different host to America’s Favorite Reality Show, Cheaters… his name was Tommy Habeeb, better known to Cheaters fans as “Tommy Grand”. In many ways, we should actually thank Tommy for his contribution to television, for he was also the producer of the pilot that got this wonderful show on the air… but god… he’s an awful host.

Sure, the show pretty much hosts itself – all you really need is a voiceover guy (and they do have an excellent one in Bob Magruder) and a detective to bring the client to the confrontation – you really don’t need the host – but the host compliments the show, and is supposed to help provide for some of the show’s most interesting moments, like getting arrested, getting stabbed, or the occasional “talk to me, Gomez.” Joey Greco does this well… Tommy Habeeb, not so much. Even Jack E. Jett did better than Habeeb when he was called in to pinch hit for Joey after the stabbing incident.

Habeeb hosted the show for its first hundred episodes. Shortly after, he was terminated; a lawsuit followed alleging racial discrimination (even though he doesn’t look like any ethnic or racial minority, and he pronounces “Habeeb” like a redneck would – HEY-beeb), and now he’s relegated to re-runs, pay-per-view specials, and uncensored DVDs.

Joey Greco - God.

Joey Greco is just far more superior than Tommy Habeeb. For example, if confronting a cheater and his now obviously pregnant mistress, Greco would say something like:

Would you like to explain this love child to your fiancée?

Tommy Habeeb, on the other hand, would say something like this:

Are you pregnant? Is this baby his? <awkward silence>

It does not end there. While Joey will gladly step in and help the injured party during the confrontation, if they’re attacked, for example, Tommy will just stand by and let his overly large security guard with the cowboy hat take care of it. Joey sticks up for his clients, Tommy doesn’t.

Luckily for us, the viewer, Tommy has moved on from Cheaters; now, he promotes cheating through his show “STAG: A Test of Love“, which in my humble opinion, is an awful piece of garbage. It is nowhere near the high quality that Cheaters PIs provide us with every night on Cheaters.

…brought to you by Cheaters P.I.’s on Cheaters!

It’s a sentence familiar to all of us late night television viewers… one that starts off every great, spine tingling episode of Cheaters.

If you’re unfamiliar with the show or its premise, it’s simple – spouses/significant others contact the “Cheaters Detective Agency”, they follow the other partner around with cameras, catch ‘em “in the act”, and then there’s always a nasty confrontation at the end. It’s really a great show, and deserves a better timeslot than midnight (or 3am in my soon-to-be-residence of Springfield, Missouri). There’s nothing quite like it anywhere else.

Anyways, I was watching the “Steve French” case last night; appropriately, he shares his name with a porno producer who puts out “Cheating Wives” smut (hey, just Google it!). Mr. French, being the douche bag that he is, decided to cheat on his long time girlfriend with one of her friends who moved into her apartment during a nasty divorce!

Now, Mr. French, as portrayed by the show, is no doubt a violent man. During the surveillance period, he got into no less than three fights with other people, and got kicked out of no less than two bars. The confrontation was no exception to his violent behavior.

Instead of, you know, stabbing Joey Greco, which is entirely appropriate and acceptable, he proceeds to kick out the window of the mistress!

But, oh no, he’s not finished yet! He then attempts to pull the mistress out of the vehicle! Like she would want to go anywhere with him after this confrontation.

Finally, after his girlfriend tells him to “face her like a man,” Mr. French loses it and cold cocks the girlfriend!

Joey Greco, being the most excellent specimen of man that God has to offer, tackles Mr. French to the ground and puts him in a choke hold. A blurred-out rent-a-cop comes and slaps some cuffs on him.

Mr. French then does the unthinkable – he runs off, with the cuffs on, and gets away from Joey and the gang!

Mr. French, if you’re out there, I believe most of America thinks that you’re a douche bag, including myself.