The Mr. Brown Network

…brought to you by Cheaters P.I.’s on Cheaters!

It’s a sentence familiar to all of us late night television viewers… one that starts off every great, spine tingling episode of Cheaters.

If you’re unfamiliar with the show or its premise, it’s simple – spouses/significant others contact the “Cheaters Detective Agency”, they follow the other partner around with cameras, catch ‘em “in the act”, and then there’s always a nasty confrontation at the end. It’s really a great show, and deserves a better timeslot than midnight (or 3am in my soon-to-be-residence of Springfield, Missouri). There’s nothing quite like it anywhere else.

Anyways, I was watching the “Steve French” case last night; appropriately, he shares his name with a porno producer who puts out “Cheating Wives” smut (hey, just Google it!). Mr. French, being the douche bag that he is, decided to cheat on his long time girlfriend with one of her friends who moved into her apartment during a nasty divorce!

Now, Mr. French, as portrayed by the show, is no doubt a violent man. During the surveillance period, he got into no less than three fights with other people, and got kicked out of no less than two bars. The confrontation was no exception to his violent behavior.

Instead of, you know, stabbing Joey Greco, which is entirely appropriate and acceptable, he proceeds to kick out the window of the mistress!

But, oh no, he’s not finished yet! He then attempts to pull the mistress out of the vehicle! Like she would want to go anywhere with him after this confrontation.

Finally, after his girlfriend tells him to “face her like a man,” Mr. French loses it and cold cocks the girlfriend!

Joey Greco, being the most excellent specimen of man that God has to offer, tackles Mr. French to the ground and puts him in a choke hold. A blurred-out rent-a-cop comes and slaps some cuffs on him.

Mr. French then does the unthinkable – he runs off, with the cuffs on, and gets away from Joey and the gang!

Mr. French, if you’re out there, I believe most of America thinks that you’re a douche bag, including myself.

I went to Office Depot today with Jennie to purchase just a few things – namely, paper and a new USB thumb drive. While we were there, a printer caught my attention, the HP OfficeJet 6500 All In One Printer, mainly because we’ve been in need of a fax machine for a while, and I want a printer that I could use to print out the occasional color photo (right now, we have a HP LaserJet P1006 Printer, a nice, and cheap, laser printer that prints for about 2-4 cents/page, depending on the settings).

While I’m looking around, a female employee comes up to me. She asks me if I need help with anything, and as always, I say, “No thanks, I’m just looking around.” I hate dealing with floor employees – most of them have no idea what they’re talking about, and they’re just trying to earn a commission. Luckily, this one went on her way.

I go back and meet Jennie in another section of the store, and another employee comes up to us; this time, it’s a guy. He asks the same annoying question, and I tell him the same thing, immediately turning and heading out of the section. I mention to Jennie that I saw a printer that I liked and made my way over to the section. Little did I know the employee was following us because he overheard us talking about printers.

Immediately, he asks “Do you need help with anything in this section?” I tell him the same thing – no we’re just looking. Instead of leaving us alone, he starts asking about our printing needs. I tell him I have a laser printer, and I’m just looking. He then asks if I print some ridiculous (75,000) number of pages a month, and I tell him no – I do not tell him anything about my printer, toner cartridge, etc.

He then proceeds to tell me that I’m getting ripped off by my printer, despite the fact that he knows nothing about it. He tells me that my printer is costing me over 6 cents a page to print, and that the ink jet I’m looking at costs about 3 cents a page to print… obviously, both amounts are (on average) more than what it actually costs me to print. I tell him we’re just looking and we’re getting ready to move, thinking he would get the hint that we’re not buying today, and to leave me the hell alone.

Instead of walking away, he suggests that we buy a $399.99 printer!!

Needless to say, I will no longer be making printer purchases in-store; instead, I’ll be going to the good ol’ rainforest of Amazon.com.